private_rants

What's Been Going On?

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 16:14:48 GMT

I haven't been really open about what's been going on with my family of late, so I figure now is as good a time as any to explain why I've been distant, and fairly reluctant to post alot of what's been going on in my mind. But I'm in a fairly good mood this morning (albeit headachey), so why not.

It starts with the job:

It's hard when you're an artist, and constantly beat the crap out of yourself on a daily basis to begin with. The day I went full time, it seemed as though everyone and their mother had an opinion about something. That hand's fingers look a bit off. Your anatomy is messed up and you need to work on that. The angle on that picture doesn't look right. I'll be the first one to admit I don't take criticism well, but it's something I am always working on, and more often than not, I agree with what the critiques are. I'm aware of my limitations at the moment. The frustrating thing is when there are sixteen year old girls with no ability that do the critiquing. It's one of the reasons I stopped posting so much on Deviant Art. It had me very bent out of shape for a while, but for the moment all I can do is accept it and try to be a bit more graceful about it.

And along with that, when you are home all the time and working on it all the time, it's very easy to see ALL of your shortcomings at once. Before, I would notice something wrong with my art and work on it until it improved, then I'd be okay for a month or so before I found another thing wrong. But when you do it all the time, all day, every day, you notice alot more about what is wrong with your artwork. ALOT more. And it's hard figuring out what to work on first without thinking A. you suck or B. everyone will SAY you suck.

I'm an emotional being, and I was really letting this twist me out of shape, to the point of EXTREME bitterness for a while.

Then comes family. Anyone who knows me well knows that my mother is not a stable person, and has not been for ages. I moved out when I was sixteen due to severe mental, emotional, and physical abuse and went to live with my father. For years, she denied she'd ever done anything to me. She badmouthed me to the family to the point of most of them hating me. I had to learn to let that part of the family go on the premise that if they couldn't support me, I didn't want them to be a part of my life. It was a painful time. But I did everything so that I could someday perhaps have some semblance of a relationship with my mother.

Sometimes, it works. Sometimes, frankly, it doesn't. There are days when I wish I'd cut her out of my life for good just so I would be free of the emotional hell she continually puts the people around her through. But at the same time, I am continually trying. My dad doesn't get it; sometimes I think my friends don't either. I do dodge her phone calls and sometimes avoid her like the plague. I know it sounds weird, but there's a reason for all of that.

About 3 years ago, my mom lost her job because she had an accident on site, and decided to sue the company. This was the third time she'd done this, so naturally, no one is giving her any references and she has all these marks against her at previous companies. Now I'm not saying this past time wasn't justified, but she is sue happy and has ruined her chances. So she slipped into depression and gave up. She has not worked in 3 years and her husband has been handling all their finances. it is an unfair arrangement, I know.

The plot thickens when we get to the part about my mom's depression. She has been borderline suicidal, on and off, for a few years. I've had to become VERY level headed around her, or when dealing with her, or I would constantly be in just a bad a shape as SHE is. About a year ago, she called me at work and was very cryptic, saying thins like "remember I love you...I have to go...be a good girl, Shannon...be a good girl." I was, obviously, panicked and decided to monitor her situation. I genuinely debated calling an ambulance on her, harsh as that sounds, but she had made several comments about killing herself.

Let me state right now; I do not think she would ever kill herself. She does it for the reach, for the cry for help.

But that doesn't make it ANY less unsettling.

I wound up calling my stepdad and basically asking him calmly for his side of the story and that was when I discovered he'd been all but avoiding her depression, and refused to do anything to help her. I actually got very mad and told him that as her husband, if he gave a rats ass, he needed to grow a pair and do somethinga bout all of this because the woman needed help, and not the kind of help he or I could give entirely. He assured me he would, and I left it alone.

One year later, nothing has been done. There is talk of divorce between the two of them. Some of the reasons are legit, some of them are complete bullshit and on my mothers part. She is threatening to leave him over lack of ability to work out a financial situation with his sister. It has boiled down to money, like so many other things in her life. My dad is disgusted that she would do it to another person also, and is terribly concerned for me.

When my parents got divorced, I was two. I don't even remember it. But if this happens, I will be the one she goes to. Which will make it hard to keep things on a level basis for me. Mom and her husband were planning to move thanks to a nasty neighbor (another lawsuit thing that failed for my mom), and the people moved away right after mom did. Now she and her husband want to move back becuase they cant sell the house and cant afford 2 mortgages. She is going in for knee surgury to have her knee replaced. She is emotional, stressed, tired, and still has no job. And now her marriage is falling apart.

i want to keep her at an arms length, but at the same time, she has reached, literally, the bottom of her perverbial barrel of people that will listen. That is not an exaggeration either. The only person she has left is me. And while I am trying to be quiet and collected about everything, I do have opinions and am terribly concerne.d I wish I could walk away from it all but, like it or not, that is my mother. And someone has to be there to tell her, she needs help. Badly.

So Wednesday, I am going to lunch with her to tell her just that.

Anyway, now you know why I've been quietly frazzled by so much, so often. I feel stupid for being so tied up in my own emotions of late. But sometimes, alot of this does get to me. So I'm not sure what else to do.

Thanks for being supportiv.e And if you actually read all that shit, you get a cookie. ;)

Sorry guys...

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 14:54:38 GMT

Quizzage!

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 04:58:48 GMT

Mint Tea...
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your surroundings you know how to have good
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gentle by nature and it is most likely true.
You have a great outlook on life and you try
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What type of Tea are you? {-With Anime Pictures!-}
brought to you by Quizilla

Lower than low

Mon, 27 Sep 2004 20:12:41 GMT

I'm only posting in here because almost no one reads this stupid thing anyway, and it'll do me some good to get this out before I have to somehow focus myself back on my work. Which is, by the way, nearly impossible at the moment.

All of a sudden I'm doubting all of these things about myself. Am I really a terrible, awful person that people hate and can't tolerate, then I wish they'd tell me right off the bat. I try. I try so, so fucking hard and it still never seems like enough. And for once, I just want to cry about it, recklessly, like a big fucking baby, like the type of person I hate to look at. Every time Nicole tears into me, she makes me sound EXACTLY like my minds eye picture of my mother. And that cuts me harder and deeper than anything she could possibly fathom. Not that I think she cares about that. She just has something to say and wants to get it out, by whatever means necessary. I don't blame her. I'm the same way. That's whats got us in this mess to begin with.

I'm sorry. I think I've uttered that word more times today than I can count, but it never seems to help. She wants to move. I know she does. I can see it. And it's not my place to even consider telling her to stay. Apparently my caring about her is a problem. She doesn't like that we try to treat her like family. Not like a three year old, which she thinks anyway, but like a family. I just feel like I can't win.

She doesn't get it. I DO look at her like a member of my family. She's the fucking sister I've never had. I worry about her and I care and I love her and all these other stupid things that I can't control, alright? If she doesn't like it, then she should just tell me to go fuck myself and to leave her alone. Because when I care about someone, like family, I can't just ignore how I feel. A close friend recently told me that the way I am is the way I am, and anyone that hates that shouldn't be my friend. I'm starting to feel like, painful as that is, maybe that's what I need to give my friends the opportunity to do. If you really hate me, then tell me. Because it's better than second guessing myself all the damn time. Which is all I seem to be doing.

it makes no sense. I have a day career that's bright, an art career that's going places I never thought it would, and yet I'm more miserable than I've ever been in my life. There are three times I can remember feeling this sick. One was when I moved from my mom's. Two was when Rich and I had marital problems. This is the third.

Nicole I doubt you care to hear it at the moment, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being the way I am. And if you genuinely aren't happy and you want to go, it's not my place to stop you. Never was. Never will be. I'm sorry you think of me as a burdon. I'm sorry you look at me and hate what you see.